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Sunday, December 26, 2010

Well, it sure has been a while since I last posted, hasn't it. No surprise there. School is over, my finals were about a week and a half ago now. I now am looking at 4 more weeks of Winter Break. Which is actually kind of depressing. I love school, and I don't want to have to wait that long to start up again. Oh well. That's college.
Anyway, God has really been working on me this last month. He obviously has something He wants me to learn, because there is one thing in particular that He keeps throwing at me, making me have to confront it and figure out how I am going to handle it. And it's been interesting. Currently my way of handling it is to get really emotional and start crying. Which really bugs me, cause I hate crying. HATE it. Not other people crying per se, but me, myself. I hate how my face gets all red and puffy, and that I always have a headache when I'm done. But this issue that God keeps bringing up is an issue that hits me where it hurts. Hard. Even though I can't see all His reasons, I know that God is good, and He has allowed my eyes to be opened to one of His reasons for sure. In the last month, I really have had to come to terms with the fact that despite my completely convincing myself that I am totally healed from some very painful emotional wounds, I really am not. I've just been suppressing and burying my emotions, pretending that I am perfect and that nothing can hurt me. But God really wants to teach me just how imperfect I am. He has been teaching me how emotions are good things, even the painful ones. Especially the painful ones. It's when we are hurting that we cling to God the most, it is in our weaknesses that He shows us His strength. And I have had to learn that, because I am naturally a proud, strong person. But that is not who God wants me to be. There is nothing wrong with being strong, as long as our strength comes from the Lord. But if our strength comes from worldly things or attitudes, that is wrong. All that long bit to say, God has really begun to work in me and show me just how badly I have been deceiving myself for the past year. The fact that I start crying the moment this issue is so much a mentioned is proof of that. But God has been working in me and using some other circumstances and issues to continually bring this issue up and make me work through it. I am not healed yet, but God is healing me. I'm much further in my healing now than I was a month or two ago, and God is our great healer. He is my rock and my comfort, and I am just so thankful for and in awe of His amazing love.

God also decided to bring a new opportunity for growth this week, something that was completely unexpected and honestly, shocking. It was something that I really was not expecting at all, and it kinda rocked my boat. But it was good, God really used that to make me think, make me analyze and really formulate my convictions in a certain area of my life. It was something that I really haven't thought about in a long time, mostly because I am still healing from a painful experience. And because I hadn't thought about it, I wasn't expecting it, and I really didn't know how to handle it when it came up. But again, God is so good. I prayed for wisdom and direction and He gave it. Very clearly. And along with the wisdom and direction, He gave me a secure peace, knowing that I did the right thing.

Well, this was definitely different than my normal posts, but it's what's on my heart, and that's kind of the point of this blog. So, after all these ramblings,
Goodnight World.